Just wrote Ramya an email and got myself into a huff over nothing. Why do I let myself do it? I don't know.
school is bearable
Evan is cute
80s teen movie marathon
Why? Why? Of all people. I know how Rick felt. About the gin joints. And Ingrid Bergman. I hate that nothing good can coencide. I mean. School can't be good while people are good while I dunno. Am I glad I'm kind of giving up on flute rather than French? Maybe. I need someone else's problems. I don't like my own very much. They are petty and nothing can be done about them.
She frustrates me so. There goes the phone, I think I'll die. She can be so perfect sometimes in that wonderfully flawed way of hers. Like a movie. That's the only beautiful thing I can think of except nature. She's not really like nature. Not at all. Nature is so comforting. She makes me feel twisted inside. In good and bad ways. The good is wonderful, but the bad is the worst.
The worst like this dream I had. Lots of stuff happened. Random stuff. I dunno. I ended up with Chloe. We were walking in this urban landscape. Kind of like the mission district I guess, but with less people. She suggested we take up smoking. I guess it was kind of ridiculously sudden, but I took it pretty seriously. I begged her not to do it. Begged her. She started walking away. I curled into a little ball on this disgusting, dirty, trash-fillled sidewalk and cried. My body shook with sobs. She got down and tried to reason with me, but I kept saying I wanted to die. The problem is, I still felt pretty horrible when i woke up. I just can't deal with drugs. I just can't. The addiction, the loss of control...all of it...i don't know...it makes me sick inside...