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Someday he'll come along...   
10:18pm 24/04/2006
mood: disappointed
Someday he will come along. But will it be tomorrow, or will it be the day before summer break? I got online because I just wanted to talk to him. I just want to have him in my life. I call him my frustration, but he is one of the most unfrustrating things in my life. I love everything about him, and especially his faults. I just want to sit and talk with him for hours. Or watch movies with him. Or sit with him in silence. I want him to love me the way I love him. Is that too much to ask? Would I be happy to see him just one-up Elliot and David. I don't want to be a silly high school girl with a crush. I just want to hang out with him because I care about him a lot. I want to say to him that I like him a lot, and have him say that he agrees and feels the same way. For the first time in my life everything could be completely normal. No one could complain...except perhaps Kate...

And then there is this evil green monster who hates his friends. Especially is female friends. This green monster hates everyone who could possibly like him, so...that's the way it goes.

So would my karma just hurry up and kick in so I can just jump him now. Yay.


Don't ever let another take her love from me or I will surely die.   
10:11pm 17/01/2006
mood: grateful
Wow, my last entry was silly, and the one before that. What fun! Let's see if I can outdo myself.

I wanted to tell her that she wasn't making a fucking idiot of herself. Or maybe I just wanted to comiserate, because it's what I'm really good at doing. Making a fucking idiot of myself on and off the internet. Why does she have to be such a jerk? I guess I can't say that when she doesn't even have the chance to be a jerk anymore. I guess I should be happier. I guess I am.

I don't know what I think of people anymore. Mostly they frustrate me. Because I can't tell them what I think of them. No one wants to to be told what anyone thinks of them by the person themselves. They want to find out, but they don't want that person to tell them. I'm sure of that.

And then sometimes they don't want to know because they just don't give a shit. Wow, this post is hella deeper than I planned. I just wanted to say that everyone hates me and so do I. Ah, now that's a bit better.

I don't know if I want courage. I say I do, but I just want people to like me. Eh, fuck 'em. The people who really like me told me a long time ago. I'd quote Tom Stoppard, but that's too much for me to handle.

When I think of homeless people I think of 'Just My Imagination' playing on the radio.

I miss Clara and Gracie and Mara and all those people who used to love me like I loved them. What the fuck happened anyway? I mean besides Kate, 'cause that's not a good enough answer.


To love another person is to see the face of God   
11:26am 20/06/2005
mood: geeky

Kate is freaking me out. That's all I can say. Too much invasion of personal bubbles and Othello-like jealousy. It's kind of starting to get on my nerves. I want to tell her to get a grip on herself, but I think she knows she needs to do that already. And anyways. I am not the person to be telling others to get grips on themselves.

I know it's totally insane but I keep having this paranoid feeling like they assingned that writing book just for me. It's like, oh, we couldn't get her to learn the normal way, maybe if we make her read this book she'll get it subliminally, dorian gray-style. Way insane, but if gives me an accute dislike of the idea of ever reading the book. Even though my dad says it's good. Gah, which brings up the whole madness...why does Vicki bother me so much now? She has been so nice to me about everything. OK, maybe that's why. If she told me my writing was shitty and I'm a miserable looser I would feel so much better. I guess I just need to spend more time with her not in class the way I used to.

Hmm...love gets replaced with hate far too easily. I definitely need a medium setting.

The good thing about hanging out with Kate, Anneka and Chloe all the time is that I know I can call them, I never get tired of doing things with them and they will be perfectly happy to do any of the things I want to do. Everyone else is a very frightening prospect. Although I did start calling Ramya which is definitely a step in the right direction. Also had Madelyn sleep over. Haha. Too funny for words. I don't think she'll call me for several years after how early I made her get up. Even though I didn't actually make her.


The Sword of Doom   
02:54pm 14/06/2005
mood: indescribable
Owch. Head filled with crazy, weird, disturbing thoughts. The good thing about having fantasies about dead people is they are dead. You will only see them in movies and on postcards and footnoted in film essays. Live people, on the other hand, are a problem. The good thing about having fantasies about young people is that you are partially attracted to them because of their youth and beauty. What am I trying to say? It's hard to be subtle here. Very. I don't know what this feeling is other than an intense, bizarre attraction. It's less of a physical attraction and more of an attraction to their whole being. I am really good at being attracted to problems. Really good. This one is probably the worst. The good thing about it is that I can ignore it to some degree. I mean, if they were, say, seventeen? I'd snatch them up like their was no tomorrow. Such the looser

(3 sigh of longings | sigh)

Shes a brick and I'm drowning slowly...   
03:07pm 29/05/2005
mood: cold
Yes, never heard anything more perfect. Well, I've never heard the rest of the song, maybe that Elliot Smith song is more perfect. It's nicer anyway. More hopeful, which is ironic for 'ol Elliot.

I am sick of people. I am sick of people saying I have a choice. Saying they want me to choose. And meaning that they want me to choose what they want me to choose. They say it is my decision, but it's really not. It's theirs. If I do what they want me to do and I like it they will say I told you so. If I do what they don't want me to do and I don't like it they will say I told you so. If I do what they want and I am unhappy they say it's for the best anyway. If I do what they don't want and I am happy they act like I hae somehow hurt them. And then they pretend to not feel hurt.

My throat is raw like I just ate a pepperoni sandwich and didn't have enough to wash it down with. Which is kind of funny because I did.

Coming back to what I should actually be thinking about instead of ignoring like a giant sore. I think my mother is the only person who really said what I wanted. I also know that she would be so mad if I quit. Why can't I just let some other person have my crappy old flute. I should give it to Hanson's kid. Sigh. I am definitely going to be in chorus though. Definitely. Also definitely going to be in Colored Film. Definitely.


I end up like I start out, just crying my heart out...   
06:40pm 04/05/2005
mood: Pain[full]
I feel so bad for David. So bad. I tried to explain to Clara, really I did. Because I know just how he feels. I know how she feels too. I guess. But she can't just say it's that easy, because it's not. I wish I could help everyone with their APs. Especially art because that is majorly shit-tay. My conversation with Clara the other day was pretty intense. I wish it had ended on a better note. I have giant bumps on my face. I hate looking worse than I do already. I hate the way he greets me. Like he has to. I'm glad I decided to say no to drugs. Drugs. I wish I could associate him with more than that. Sometimes I can. I can. I can't really get passed it though. I never want it enough. There is only one person for whom I could get over everything, anything. I don't know why. I wish it wasn't that person. It didn't have to be. Some girl started talking to me. What a freaky experience. I miss the good old days that weren't that good. I'm a lot happier now. I think. Because I can deal with everything. Even rejection. I could have dealt with that before. And I did. Even though I was kind of mad and hateful. But that wasn't because of rejection. Clara told me I looked like Lindsay. LOVE.


08:23pm 07/04/2005
mood: sad
Hm. Haven't used this in a while. Guess that's a good thing.

Just wrote Ramya an email and got myself into a huff over nothing. Why do I let myself do it? I don't know.

Good Things:
school is bearable
Evan is cute
yay friends
80s teen movie marathon

Bad things:

Why? Why? Of all people. I know how Rick felt. About the gin joints. And Ingrid Bergman. I hate that nothing good can coencide. I mean. School can't be good while people are good while I dunno. Am I glad I'm kind of giving up on flute rather than French? Maybe. I need someone else's problems. I don't like my own very much. They are petty and nothing can be done about them.

She frustrates me so. There goes the phone, I think I'll die. She can be so perfect sometimes in that wonderfully flawed way of hers. Like a movie. That's the only beautiful thing I can think of except nature. She's not really like nature. Not at all. Nature is so comforting. She makes me feel twisted inside. In good and bad ways. The good is wonderful, but the bad is the worst.

The worst like this dream I had. Lots of stuff happened. Random stuff. I dunno. I ended up with Chloe. We were walking in this urban landscape. Kind of like the mission district I guess, but with less people. She suggested we take up smoking. I guess it was kind of ridiculously sudden, but I took it pretty seriously. I begged her not to do it. Begged her. She started walking away. I curled into a little ball on this disgusting, dirty, trash-fillled sidewalk and cried. My body shook with sobs. She got down and tried to reason with me, but I kept saying I wanted to die. The problem is, I still felt pretty horrible when i woke up. I just can't deal with drugs. I just can't. The addiction, the loss of control...all of it...i don't know...it makes me sick inside...


After one whole quart of brandy, like a daisy I awake. With no bromo seltzer handy, I don't even   
04:06pm 11/01/2005
mood: crappy

If I was that kind of person I would yell at someone. I really feel like it. One of those things where I hate everyone. Almost everyone. I wish I hated some people, but I don't. Why did I have to be stupid and talk to her again. Things started to get normal and then, I fell in love all over again. I really hate that phrase. "To fall in love." Doesn't it sound nice? Well, actually, not really, so much. And I wouldn't say I was in love, if only because I would never admit that to myself. I think I'll miss my math teacher when he's gone. I don't think I'll miss a lot of people when I leave Menlo, and I would only come back to visit my dad. I guess I'd come back to visit Vicki. There aren't a lot of teachers a Menlo I particularly love. "If [he] loved [him] [he] wouldn't press the 'esc' key." I kind of want to spend all my time watching movies. The film noir festival is like, now. *sigh* And the Stanford is showing fred astaire movies. *sigh* Too much to do in too little time. I feel bad that the only person I ever want to do anything with is Chloe. I guess that's just because she's the only person I feel comfortable spending a lot of time with. I'm going to become one of those people with like 2 friends. God I wish Alanna had never left. Well, and of course Genna too. Well, I kind of feel better. It's one of those things where the only thing you can do is wish it would change. I hate those things, not that I would work to change things if I could. Kate =! doing hmwk. Someday I'll finish learning C and be a happy camper. Yay for C.

(2 sigh of longings | sigh)

La Grande Illusion   
04:37pm 04/01/2005
  School has started again. Whoopee. That reminds me of Eddie Cantor. I miss Eddie Cantor. What the hell am I talking about. I shouldn't miss a person who is 1)dead 2)a former comedian/movie/radio star 3)won't miss me. My brother is obsessed with this game where you drill for stuff. Its kind of intense. Now that we have a comp at home he can play it all the time. Blah I must be off.

"Who's the fan?"

Who's the fan indeed.

(1 sigh of longing | sigh)

O Come, All Ye Faithful   
09:56am 01/01/2005
mood: peaceful
Now it's not only DSL...it's wireless. sigh.

Last night was loads of fun. In that kind of I'm-so-happy-I'm-not-being-forced-to-do-something kind of way. We watched Elf, which was silly and cute. It's nice to watch a crappy Christmas movie once in a while. Then we watched Destry Rides Again, which was absolutely awesome. Jesus, break is almost over. Bah. At least this break was really good. I got to rest. I got to hang out with cool people. I love NPR. And Clueless. Truffettes? Not so much. Toasted french bread with garlic and bleu cheese? Indeed.

News Years always depresses me actually. It is pretty depressing that people would sit and home and watch Cher on the telly. Luckily I turned of the TV so we didn't end up being those people. And we had really good champage that my aunt and uncle left, even though I don't like champagne. What we did was play Monopoly into the new year. My brother smashed us. It was fun.

On other news. Woodleys party. What nonsense. Am I the only person who doesn't like opera singers (or actors)? But I did get to dance to Embraceable You, even though I can't really dance. People who can dance make me so jealous. The partay was fun, but there was this really creepy man trying to pick up chloe and I but we ran away so it was ok.

Happy New Year.


"i want to see you dress skankily"   
02:26pm 23/12/2004
mood: confused
lets not talk about who said that to me lol...

ok so im going to be gross...gross as in obsessive, self-indulgent, and over-updating of livejournal...and all-around gross...
i still feel happy whenever she smiles or talks or walks or anything...especially when she talks to me...and jealous when she talks to other people...the least little bit of emotion i get out of her makes me writhe with joy...it kills me when she is upset...and i wish i could feel the same way about someone who could actually like me but i cant...i tried but i really couldnt...and i dont really like her either...but at the same time she makes me i dont know...now that weve recovered from our extreme hatred...i guess we can go back to normal...but theres only one kind of normal for me...wow im confused...i have this picture of her on my wall with chloe and kate and tracy and shes so cute...receptionist....god...


No Justice No Peace   
12:51pm 23/12/2004
mood: content
This week has been kinda weird, but I guess I've been pretty happy throughout. The idea is to make yourself happy right when you think it's wearing off. OH! Happy Birthday Aaron btw. Congratulations for being one of the five or so people's birthday's I actually remember. Anyways, first I watched a lot of movies, but that's nothing really new. Then I went shopping with Genna and Laura and I got a dress. Goddamn I love shopping with them. ha. Then I went shopping with Chloe on Hiaght street. That was awesome. I spent a lot of money haha. Oh well. It's all for ah, a good cause. And Chloe got cowboy boots. And the clerk was really cute, but Chloe didn't think so. I loved how when we were all like "those shoes are so cute""theyre really cute""yeah i really like them theyre really cute" and then he was like "yeah theyre really cu-nice. Theyre good shoes." I was afraid that Reg was mad at me, but when I think she will be she never is. I talked to her on the phone. It was a nice pennance. Cause I really don't want to get together with her even though I said I would. But that was friday, and one is liable to say anything on friday. I'm worried about Vincent too, but it's just one of those things i can't really help. Watching people program isnt that boring... Anyways. Here's hoping my mum will be alive after Christmas. Here's hoping I will.


10:34pm 16/12/2004
mood: cynical
people make me upset and i cant handle them. its really not something i can do. just because im good at playing diplomat and being nice and being a friend doesnt mean i like to do it all the time. my film final is a disaster. this week is a disaster. life is a disaster. but i love it.

(1 sigh of longing | sigh)

03:49pm 13/12/2004
mood: annoyed
I feel gross. For many reasons. One. I am more frightened of commitment than of rejection. This kind of disturbs me. I was totally almost on the verge of asking someone out. Maybe I still am. But I don't think so. Luckily, this time I wasn't stupid. Yay for self-control. Or maybe it's just insanity. I also feel gross because Reg makes me feel gross. When she calls me and has no regard for how I feel at all. The thing is, she thinks she does, so shes really nice to me. It was frightening. Last night I watched Citizen Kane(1941) and throughout the movie everyones like, Charlie you don't love anyone but yourself. You only give people things when you want them to love you. You never give anyone anything they really want. It was surreal. They know her so well. And then she started talking about Genna the way I talk about her. That just freaked me out beyond belief.

"...And he sounded like someone who had taken one two many drugs. And then I was like, wait, so do I."

Oh, my mother.

My aunt is insane. Like actually insane. I always said she was insane, but I never thought she was actually insane. She's in the hospital now. Sigh.

(4 sigh of longings | sigh)

Everyone's a little bit racist.   
04:02pm 10/12/2004
mood: crappy
I love Avenue Q and I haven't even seen it. I want to see it so badly.
Today was one of those days that passed like a cold shower. It's over now. The kiddies are playing go. I wish I could play go.
Last night Reg tried to cheer me up. It was sadly pitiful.
My film class wasn't.
I want a tux. I want to be Marlene Deitrich. ^_^
Ramya just came in looking like death incarnate.

Entire consistency of my conversation with my love(?):

You know what they say. Silence is golden.
I have to leave before I die an evil death.

(2 sigh of longings | sigh)

Dead like Corpses   
03:59pm 07/12/2004
mood: amused
I could just get down to brass tax, but really, I don't want to. I'm planning on shillyshallying, which is the best of words. I would just like to say thank God for Ramya. She is the best person to talk to about anything. People keep asking me how I am. I'm not really sure how to respond. I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy. It would seem to be the important part, right? I guess not. If you're not happy you might as well break out the razors now 'cause who knows when you'll blow your top. People are just lame sometimes. I'm just lame sometimes. I love and hate having words I use for everything. I love and hate everything. Ugh. Generalization. Don't you sometimes want to kill me? I know I do. When you talk about people behind their back you can get really mad and pretend they're evil and you're good and everything is fine and dandy with you and they're just the scum of the earth. (Fuck not using second person). I was talking with Ramya about me attempting to flirt with someone and Reg unknowingly getting in the way. Whenever I talk about her behind her back its always about the annoying little things she does. I suppose they add up, but I don't hate her. At least I think I don't, but Ramya says I do. It's kind of lame that I don't know what to think. God I said it again. I think it's so hilarious that I'm never happy when I'm in love (I use the term very loosely) with someone but that I'm never happy if I'm not in love with someone. Hilarious in a kind of disgusting way. I disgust myself. I should like...stop talking before I die. yay. the willowz.

(2 sigh of longings | sigh)

When I was mean to him, he'd never say go away now.   
06:33am 06/12/2004
mood: content(temporarily at least)
My hair still kind of smells like hairspray. My hair was so foxy at semi. My outfit was so foxy at semi haha. It was really strange because I looked nothing like anyone else there. There is potentially so much diversity in women's clothing at yet they all manage to look the same. Aaaand show as much ass as possible. I love teenagers. I felt really bad for the teachers. I always do. They just kind of sit there in the cold and hope no one notices them. Mr. Colb told me I looked "so gorgeous," and then Mr. Lapolla was like "red's a good color." How silly. People think slow dancing is really silly, which it is but theres something kind of best about it. I mean besides the fact that it makes you feel more alone then you have ever felt in your life unless you actually have someone to dance with. Maybe it would be better if the songs weren't so sodding bad. I know exactly what Brittney meant when she was talking about how she hated people who were so "in love." In high school people are so sure they're in love that it's just kind of disgusting. And you see people you'd never expect to be going out going out... *erhem* *Kate and Janey*...no, they were really cute, but kate, in her inimitable way, was all nervous and flustered. Those things kind of contradict eachother. Whatever.


"Have you ever heard of rock and roll?...Study 'dis book!"   
04:06pm 29/11/2004
mood: discontent
Somehow its really depressing that I was happier at school than during break. I just spent an hour in the cold talking to Vincent. She really creeps me out man. And...I'm...totally...not...over...her. Which kind of pisses me off. I suppose I could make an effort and like not hang out with her at all, but I really like hanging out with people who are actually mello and stuff. I feel kind of bad when Reg is in a good mood and I can't make the effort to be nice. I feel kind of bad when I walk away from people without saying anything. I feel kind of bad that my mom has to work at the public library with a bunch of shitty patrons from hell. She was almost crying last night. What can you do though? I don't know. She should be really happy that we're finally free of that fucking awful shag carpet. I wrote a story about it once. Actually it was about how bad at cleaning up we are. I think its really funny that I get along with my parents so much better than a lot of my friends. Well, no, I guess I get along with them, but my parents can be so much more pleasant most of the time. I guess even they can be psycotic. Reg is gonna call me about her history essay. Why can't she do her own fucking work? She goddamn deserves a C in that class. If she hadn't been crying I would've been like you little fucker you know you deserve it. I have so much work to do. I used to be such a good student. I hate this school. I want to end on a pleasant note. Ummm. Nothing is really coming to mind. Ms. Gertmenian made me feel better about my RP. Yay?

(2 sigh of longings | sigh)

01:06pm 28/11/2004
mood: anxious
Thanksgiving was kind of sort of better than I thought it would be because we all sat around and pretended like it was like old times. My aunt and uncle were there and it was the same as always except I was more aware of it. He flinched a little more at her annoying stories. It was kinda weird when she was like-"and this is my husband John." I hope it works out for them or whatever. I love the Countrymen(family of dads old students whose house we went to for thanksgiving). They are my favorite people ever. Chis works for this company that designs toys or something. He made a target for an air gun. It was in the shape of a rat. Kids toys are a funny business.

Its now sunday and I have done none (or very little) homework. And gee, look what I'm doing now? I only came to school so I could work on that stupid bio project because my stupid group just kind of up and gave me the hardest damn part. I'm just too nice. I keep telling myself not to be nice, but then I am.

The only good thing is. I've managed to avoid Reg. And we now can watch dvds on our new monitors which are über gorgeous and larger than our TV screen. I still don't like windows though. It's truly a visceral dislike of them. Whenever I use a machine with that windows user interface I feel like I'm lost. My dad is so addicted to minesweeper. Mum isn't happy.

I've seen a lot of movies this break. The best was probably I'll Sleep When I'm Dead which was brilliantly without too much emotion(and you kinda dislike everyone equally). Highly recommend it. Oh yeah and I saw the Incredibles which made me really happy. The only good movies being made now are animation and indie films.

(4 sigh of longings | sigh)

That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?    
03:31pm 17/11/2004
  There was this one time, at Christmas, and my aunt was like, we should rent The Royal Tenenbaums, and then we didn't.

My mom was like, I hope your history project isn't making you sick. I laughed, but then I realized that it was true. So I stayed home, and I kind of felt better, but it wasn't the kind of feel better that really feels better.

Reg has started to refer to her colored film paper in terms of "we" and "our." I do not approve.

So much to do so little time.

Mike Wohl needs to die.

(2 sigh of longings | sigh)